


All I've Known Was Pain

by Mooolissa11



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe, F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-13
Updated: 2018-08-26
Packaged: 2019-04-22 05:16:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 14,114
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14301591
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mooolissa11/pseuds/Mooolissa11
Summary: Pansy Parkinson isn't stupid, despite what everyone thought of her. She was actually quite intelligent hence why McGonagall took a liking to her during her Eighth Year, when she got over her prejudices, humbled down, and took her education seriously. She knew that Potter had a girlfriend in Ginny Weasley, but that didn't stop her from being halfway in love with the Golden Boy.





	1. The Beginning

Two Years Ago 

Pansy stood with Daphne, wine glass in hand, watching the various couples litter the ministry floor. 

“Can you actually believe that Draco is with Granger?” Daphne asked as she took a delicate sip from her own wine glass, her gaze zeroing in on one of their best friends in the middle of the dance floor, his arms wrapped protectively around the wild-haired witch. 

Pansy scoffed. She still found the pair unbelievable. Draco had invited all of his friends out to dinner Saturday past to tell them that he and the Brains of the Golden Trio were bumping uglies and that he wouldn’t stand with anyone making fun of her. Okay, maybe he didn’t exactly say it in those terms, but Pansy shot back that snakes can’t change their nature and while she will tolerate Granger, there was no way she could guarantee that she wouldn’t make fun of her. There was too much material there for Pansy to pass up on.  
Draco had sent her a glare, but Pansy brushed him off and went back to her delicious sushi roll. 

But she knew that he was serious. He never took them all out to dinner before to inform them about the latest romantic venture in his life. Normally, by the time they found out, the slag would be gone and Draco would be on the hunt for a new one. 

“I don’t know what’s going on in his head, but I trust him,” she responded as she watched Draco dip his head to whisper something in Granger’s ear that made her blush. 

Daphne nodded. 

“I am already dreading the group get-togethers with her friends that Draco’s going to force us to go to.”

Pansy laughed as her eyes scanned the dance floor again, hiding the fact that she was searching desperately for the familiarity of jet-black. 

“Speaking of her friends,” Daphne said nodding in the direction of black and red hair. “Looks like Potter and She-Weasel are fighting.” 

Pansy looked over sharply and saw that her friend was right. Potter’s face was bright red as he seemed to be arguing in hushed whispers with the little Weasley whose face was matching her hair. She looked to have said something that really upset Potter as he abruptly stopped dancing, left her on the dance floor and walked out onto the balcony of the ballroom. Pansy raised an eyebrow at Daphne in surprise. 

“Damn, I wonder what they were fighting about,” Daphne said as she raised her wine glass once more. 

“Let me go find out,” Pansy said. She threw her wine back to finish it and placed the empty glass on a floating tray that was passing in front of her. 

“Pansy, I’m not sure that’s a good idea,” Daphne said sternly. “I know you love riling up the Gryffindors, especially Potter since you’ve started working in the Auror Department, but  
he might be in a very bad mood.” 

Pansy smirked. “Don’t worry about me, Daph. I can handle Potter.”

She smoothed her tight fitting black gown of inexistent wrinkles as she made her way out onto the balcony to Potter. She actually hadn’t seen Potter in about two months. He was away on a mission to round up some rogue Death Eaters in Siberia. Daphne had been right: Pansy loved messing with Potter, especially now that she worked as an assistant to the Head Auror.

She got the job right out of Hogwarts with the help of McGonagall. When Pansy went back for her Eighth Year, she no longer hid her intelligence. She excelled in her subjects. She knew she was no Granger or hell, no Draco, but she held her own. McGonagall had told her in her graduation interview that she had all the skills to become an Auror. Pansy never thought of herself as the hero type, but agreed to take the assistant job to learn the ropes. It also helped that her boss, Bladric Doggins, was a close friend to her father. 

The first day that Pansy started at the Ministry, she learned that Doggins was getting ready to retire and was already grooming Potter to take over as Head. Potter, along with Ron Weasley, had opted out on returning to Hogwarts to do their Eighth Year and instead went into Auror Training. 

Pansy realized that she had taken a liking to Potter. She found that the man was easily embarrassed and she enjoyed ruffling his feathers a bit. During the past year of working in the Auror Department, Pansy had spent more time with Potter than she cared to admit. Through late nights, coffee runs, and meetings, she and Potter were almost constantly together unless he was sent out on a mission. During those times, she kept herself even busier so that she didn’t have to think about if he was dead or alive. 

Pansy Parkinson isn’t stupid… despite what everyone thought of her. She was actually quite intelligent hence why McGonagall took a liking to her during her Eighth Year, when she got over her prejudices, humbled down, and took her education seriously. She knew that Potter had a girlfriend in Ginny Weasley, but that didn’t stop her from being halfway in love with the Golden Boy. 

She refused to admit it. She was very protective of her heart and she knew she put herself in a compromising position because of who she fell for. She also knew that by the way Potter’s hands shook whenever she brushed hers against his that he was affected by her as well. 

However, Pansy was a moral person. She never made a move. She never did anything more than harmless flirting with the Golden Boy that fit within the person that everyone thought her to be. No one else had to know that Pansy actually meant all of the flirtatious comments that she made in his direction. 

Pansy walked out on the balcony and saw Potter standing with his back to her, knuckles white as he gripped the bannister. He looked more muscular than she remembered. 

“Bad day in paradise?” Pansy asked slyly as she approached him. Harry stiffened as he heard her voice. 

“It’s none of your business, Parkinson,” his voice came out strained, as if he were recently yelling. 

“What’s the matter, Potter?” She moved to stand beside him and looked at his face, which was getting back to its normal color. She also noticed that he now sported a new scar above his right eye. She resisted the urge to let her fingers graze it. “A party in your honor isn’t enough for you?” 

He took a deep breath, knowing that she was just trying once more to rile him up. 

“Ginny and I broke up,” he said softly. Pansy ignored the soaring leap that her heart took. 

“Why?” Pansy asked feigning interest. 

“She thinks that I am too caught up in work and that I don’t spend enough time with her.”

“Well there’s no arguing that,” Pansy replied. He looked down at her then, locking his eyes with hers. “What?”

“There’s something else.”

Pansy rolled her eyes. Merlin bless this man and his dramatics.

“Stop being so cryptic, Potter. Why else is Weasley mad?”

He turned his body so that he was facing her. “She thinks that I spend too much time with you.”

“Oh.” Pansy said dumbly before regaining her composure. When she was sure that her voice wouldn’t make her sound vulnerable, she spoke again. 

“Geez, doesn’t Weasley know that our positions require us to spend time together? How else are you supposed to do your job as the Junior Head of the department and not talk to  
the assistant to the head? You sure know how to choose them.”

“I guess so,” Harry said cryptically.

Pansy nodded and was about to respond when Harry put his hand over hers. She froze. 

“Pansy,” His voice came out soft and hesitant. “Don’t hex me. I just…I just need to try something.”

He brought his hands up to her face and forced Pansy to look up into his green eyes. They were searching hers before they fluttered closed and he bent down towards her. Her hands started shaking. Her heart was beating so loudly that she was sure he could hear it. But then Pansy did something that made her entire body protest. She put her hands on his chest to stop him. 

“Harry,” her voice was soft and pained. “We-we can’t.”

Potter looked shocked. “Why? He asked. 

“You just broke up with your girlfriend. Anyone can see us out here on the balcony. Daphne was right…I shouldn’t have come out here.”  
Harry leaned back a bit, his face softened. 

“I should have clarified…Ginny and I broke up two months ago, Pansy,” Harry said holding on to her hand. “She asked me to dance today because it was the first time we saw each other since the breakup.” 

Pansy could feel herself holding her breath. She didn’t know what to make of this information. 

“It was an innocent dance. But then she started talking about us getting back together and I told her that I didn’t want to and she blew up on me.” 

Pansy let out the breath that she was holding and looked up at this infuriating man. He was still talking but she wasn’t listening. She found herself staring at his full lips. Making her mind up, Pansy put her hands on both sides of his face and brought his lips down to hers. She let hers linger on his for a moment before she started moving. He was unresponsive for a moment and Pansy stopped, dread filling through her. She must have read him wrong… 

Then he brought his hand to the small of her back and the other one on the back of her head. He took control of the kiss and Pansy instantly melted. She forgot where she was. She swore she even forgot who she was for a moment as Harry’s lips danced over her own. All too soon, Harry pulled back. He rested his head on her forehead as he steadied his breath. 

“Do you want to leave?” he asked her in that same soft voice. 

“Hell yes,” was her response as she grabbed his hand and apparated them to his house. 

They landed with a soft thud in the middle of the living room at Grimmauld Place. Pansy turned to face Potter. He smiled at her as he grabbed her hands and pulled her towards him. 

“I’ve waited so long to do this,” he whispered. He ran his hand through her silky dark hair and placed small kisses on the side of her face trailing down to her neck. Pansy moaned lightly as he found a sensitive spot below her ear. 

“Oh me too Potter,” she said as she gripped his muscular arms. “But right now, I need less talking and more action.”

He laughed huskily but proceeded to do just as she said.


	2. The Middle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pansy hears dreadful news.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.

Present Day

Pansy slowly appraised the model standing in front of her. She walked in a circle around them, looking them up and down. 

“Lose the top and the bottoms.” 

The model hurriedly did as she commanded. 

“Marie, bring me the outfit from yesterday,” Pansy said to her assistant. She waved her wand at a mannequin and hovered said outfit over. Pansy grabbed it and handed it to the model. 

“Try this. Louisa, is it?”

The girl nodded her head. 

“Okay, Louisa, put this on and try to look pleasant. I want people to buy my outfits, not want to burn the magazine that they see them in.”

The model’s face twisted into a horrified look as she nodded her head frantically. Pansy watched her with a bored look as she quickly threw on her newest design. She moved forward to fix the kinks. She pulled out a threaded needle from the pin cushion that sat on her arm and started stitching the hem of the skirt. Just then her purse, which sat on her desk, started ringing. 

Waving a few of her assistant designers over to fix the outfit, she glared at the muggle contraption that Granger begged her to buy when she announced that she was moving to Paris a year earlier. Pansy had refused naturally, only accepting the damn contraption as Granger shoved it into her hand as her international portkey activated, saying:

“I got one for you. All of our numbers are already in there. We’ll call!” 

Pansy’s insult was on the tip of her tongue but she only had time to glare before she was sucked into her portkey. It was one of the many times that Pansy questioned her friendship with the bushy haired Gryffindor. 

But, alas, she loved Draco and Draco loved Hermione ergo Pansy had to love her. 

Fortunately, it was easy. Well… not always. 

At the beginning there were long arguments and grudges held. Draco had warned her that he wouldn’t put up with it, but Pansy found the witch too much of a know-it-all. She couldn’t see why Draco wanted to risk everything to be with the witch. Then the “incident” in Diagon Alley happened.

A month after the Ministry Ball two years ago, Pansy was enjoying a stress-free day of shopping and decided to visit Flourish and Blotts for some new reading material. As noted before, regardless of what everyone thought at Hogwarts, Pansy actually did have a brain and liked to fill it with new information every so often. 

However, as Pansy was examining a book cover, a lady whose face was not important enough to remember, came from behind her, grabbed the book, and yelled for her to get out of the shop as “her kind” was not welcomed anymore. Pansy had turned around to give the lady a piece of her mind but before any words could come out, Hermione Granger stepped in front of her and calmly told her provoker that the times were changed and that she “would kindly appreciate it if you don’t yell inane insults at my friends and in a bookshop of all places.” 

Pansy was frozen in shock. Friends? FRIENDS? It was news to her that she and Granger were friends…let alone acquaintances, Draco be damned. But as she stood there staring at the Gryffindor like she had just sprouted two more heads to resemble the human version of Fluffy, she was dragged away from the lady and out into the street. Granger was seemingly yammering on about prejudiced people as she held on tightly to Pansy’s hand. Before Pansy knew it, they were sitting in a café towards the end of Diagon Alley, discussing their newly purchased books, which Granger had apparently bought for them after coming to Pansy’s rescue.

After they put their pasts aside, Pansy and Hermione became inseparable. They quickly became best friends along with Luna Lovegood and Daphne, supporting each other at the right times and giving advice most other times. The three girls were the only ones that Pansy was comfortable confiding in. But Hermione and Pansy were still polar opposites, both hard headed and stubborn, and that made their friendship stronger. They called each other out when they knew the other was wrong. Pansy cherished Granger’s friendship, but hated the witch’s meddling nature. She meddled in every aspect of Pansy’s life: work, friends, family, and worst of all: relationships. And she also only ever called when one or more of those things were involved.

“What do you need Granger?” Pansy said as she answered the phone. “You would think that you of all people would know that people work during the day and don’t have time to talk.”

“Pansy-”

“I have a very important photo shoot that I need to get done so that I can get my collection out,” Pansy said as she let her hands graze through the material that hung in front of her on a rack. 

“You know I actually got the idea for this collection from when we all went to Bora Bora and you made us take those gods awful tours of their old wizarding village. Remember?” 

Pansy paused as she recalled the second best vacation in her life. She tried to never think about the first. 

“Fortunately, the art that they created in those caves had a nice design to it so I took inspiration from it. It looks incredible on my clothes if I do say so myself. I also decided that I’m going to send 75% of proceeds to that small village in Bora Bora. Regardless of how boring the tours were, they really were the nicest people. Oh! And as soon as I finish, I am going to send them over to you, Daph, and Luna. I think you all will love some parts of it, even Looney. The girl is crazy but she is daring when it comes to fashion. Speaking of Luna, is she-“

“Pansy, stop!” Hermione said trying to get her attention. 

“What’s wrong?” Pansy asked, a little put off at the desperation in Hermione’s voice. She glanced back to her workers. They were still occupied with her outfits. Satisfied, Pansy focused back on Hermione. 

“Are you okay? Is Draco okay? Sweet Salazar, he isn’t, is he? If he isn’t dead then I will kill him myself.”

“No Pans, Draco and I are fine,” Hermione said in a calmer voice. 

“Then what is it, Granger?” Pansy was starting to get irritated. “I don’t bloody well have all day like you-”

“He’s back.” Hermione cut her off abruptly. 

Pansy was instantly doused with ice water. It ran through her veins and turned her blood frozen. She grabbed her desk chair and sat down as she felt her limbs turn to jelly. Snapping her fingers, she caught the attention of her workers and waved her hand in dismissal. Like ants in a pond, they all made themselves scarce from her office. Once they were gone, Pansy let out a shaky breath. 

“Who’s back?” Pansy questioned even though she knew the answer. She refused to believe it though. “You-Know-Fucking-Who?”

Hermione laughed lightly. “Pansy, you know who I’m talking about.”

Pansy felt all the emotions that she has been trying to keep down for the last year creep back up inside her. She felt anger, hurt, sadness, and most regrettable, hope, but most of all she felt nauseous. 

“When did he come back?” Pansy asked her voice steely. 

“Last night.”

Pansy took a deep staggering breath as she removed the device from her ear. She ran her manicured hand through her perfectly done hair as she tried to keep her emotions at bay. 

She hated crying, but felt the tears prickle her eyes. She hated feeling weak, useless, vulnerable and he made her feel all of these. Years of pureblood society training had taught her how to keep a clear mind. Yet every single mind-dulling lesson seemed to be thrown out the window whenever he was involved. She slowly brought the device back to her ear. Granger was talking rapidly. Pansy wasn’t processing anything she was saying until:

“Which is why we feel like you should come home for the weekend.”

“No!” Pansy said in panic, her reserve breaking. “Hermione, I can’t.” 

“Not for him!” Granger quickly corrected. “For Draco and me. We have some news and we want everyone there. Weren’t you listening?” 

“No.” Pansy repeated knowing that she was engaging in an argument that was already lost. Hermione ignored her. 

“I’ve already set up the portkey. I’ll see you tonight.”

“Bloody hell Granger don’t you ever listen?” Pansy said exasperated. She didn’t want to go home. She didn’t want to see everyone, especially not him. 

”I can’t wait to see you. Your portkey leaves in two hours. Pokey has it and I believe that she has already packed your bags.” Hermione said matter-of-factly. 

“You’ve been conspiring with my house elf?” Pansy asked incredulously. 

“Just take care of everything at work and I will see you in two hours. I love you. Bye,” With that and before Pansy could protest more, Granger hung up. Pansy sighed as she glared at her phone. She didn’t want to go home and deal with her feelings. She has been running from them for the past year and wasn’t ready to face them. She wasn’t ready to face him. Pansy jumped up from her desk so suddenly that quills and sketches of ideas fell to the ground. 

She was going to have to see him. She was going to have to see him! Merlin’s bloody right testicle, she was going to have to talk to him. 

Her hands started shaking and her breaths shortened. What was she going to do? She was humiliated by him. She felt used. He made her seem like a bad rash that was hanging on to him, clinging to life. How dare he come back? Why couldn’t he just stay gone and let her move on with her life? Yes, she thought about him every single bloody day, but that didn’t mean that she wanted to think about him. Yes, she could still smell his cologne and shampoo at random times throughout the day. Merlin, she couldn’t even look at some of her favorite possessions in the same way because she associated some sort of memory with him. 

She hates him. She hates him so much that it consumes every fiber of her being. She hates that she is so affected by a guy. She hates that she can’t bear to hear his name without tears coming to her eyes. Most of all she hates that he still has this hold on her where she doesn’t want to lose hope in him. The damned hope was what caused her heart to jump a little in excitement when Hermione broke the news to her.

“Miss Pansy,” a voice called out. Pansy turned around sharply to find Marie at the door, but before she could reply she saw the mess that seemed to appear out of nowhere in her usually immaculate office. Fabric was strewn across the floor, inkwells and parchment looked like they flung across the room. 

“Are you okay Miss Pansy?” Marie asked tentatively. That seemed to shake Pansy out of her shock as she plastered a smile on her face. 

“Completely fine, Marie, thank you for asking,” she said graciously to the younger witch. “Just seemed to get too excited for a moment there…”

Pansy picked her wand up from her desk and flicked it so that everything in the room went back to the way it was. When it was done, she looked back at Marie. 

“That phone call was from my friend. It seems like I will be gone for the weekend so I need you to be in charge here,” she informed her. Marie nodded her head in understanding. 

“There shouldn’t be much left to do and I will just be a Floo call away.” 

She quickly jotted down all the tasks that needed to be done and handed the list to Marie who wished her a good weekend. Pansy slowly started to pack her office up. She couldn’t believe that she just lost control of her magic. It was something that started happening after the war. Her therapist and Granger had told her that she had too many pent up emotions that needed to be worked through. But since Pansy moved to Paris, she hadn’t been keeping up on all of the things her therapist suggested that she do. Sighing, and ignoring her pending doom, Pansy made her way over to the Floo. 

Arriving in her apartment, she called out for Pokey whom appeared in front of her instantly. 

“Yes, Missus?” she squeaked out. 

“I’m told that you have my portkey?” Pansy glowered. She adored the house elf that has always been there for her since she was a baby. She had tried to get her to stay in London when she was moving to Paris but the elf refused. Pansy was tired of arguing everyone about everything and agreed for her to accompany her.

“Yes Missus. It will be activated in a little over an hour,” Pokey said as she gestured to an old book sitting on her foyer table next to two large suitcases. “Pokey hopes that Missus isn’t angry about this.” 

“I’m not,” Pansy said through gritted teeth. She wouldn’t take her anger out on Pokey. She would wait for Granger. “Thank you Pokey.”

Pansy sighed as she made her way to the kitchen where Pokey presented her with a small snack. She didn’t have an appetite at all, she picked at her sandwich before giving up the pretense that she was actually eating. Ignoring Pokey’s glare, Pansy stepped out on the balcony. The chill in the Paris air shocked her skin. She didn’t flinch though. She kept her gaze on the city of Paris. The reason she chose to move here was because it was where her mother would bring her whenever things got tense between her and Pansy’s father. It brought a sense of calm to both of them. However, Pansy could feel that sense of calm slipping away each day that she spends in Paris. She missed her life in England. She missed her job. She missed her friends. But she had begun feeling suffocated. She couldn’t look the truth in the eye anymore. She needed an escape. And so she called and Paris answered. 

She lost track of how long she stood on the balcony until Pokey brought her traveling cloak to her. In her lobby, Pansy found herself staring at her miniature-size luggage in one hand and the old book in the other. She felt dread and anxiety flood her body as the portkey starting glowing. She held onto it and closed her eyes.


	3. Welcome Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pansy catches up with her old friends as her past catches up with her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter

Pansy opened her eyes and found herself in Draco and Hermione’s travel room. Draco was standing there waiting for her, hair tousled, in his impeccably tailored suit looking like he just walked out of a fashion magazine. He smiled widely at his childhood best friend. She shot him a glare. 

“Drake,” she greeted icily. “Where is that bloody witch of yours?”

He laughed as he moved forward and hugged her. She returned the hug and held on to him tightly. Despite her tone, she missed her friends terribly. 

“She’s inside… entertaining our guests,” Draco responded slowly as Pansy’s eyes stared daggers. 

“What guests?” she spat, hoping that Hermione didn’t do what she was thinking. 

“Not him,” Draco said quickly as he realized where her train of thought was. Relief flooded through her system. She allowed Draco to take her bags, return them to their normal size, and sent them in through the Floo to her parents’ house. Pansy felt a rush of gratitude as she watched him send the last suitcase through. Pansy thanked him as she followed him through the hallway to the living room. 

“I knew that you wouldn’t want them to be sent to the other place,” Draco said as he steered her into the room. As soon as she stepped inside, she found herself suffocated by a mass of brown curly hair.

“Pansy!” Hermione exclaimed as she hugged her tightly. Pansy returned the hug with the same amount of emotion.

“I am so angry with you, Granger,” she muttered while still hugging her. Hermione just laughed heartily and moved to the side. Pansy was now able to see the other occupants of   
the room. Blaise, Luna, Daphne, and Theo were all smiling at her. Her smile became wider as she moved to greet them all, realizing that this was the happiest that she felt in a very long time. 

“You can’t disappear like that again Pans,” Blaise said. “A year is way too long to go without coming home.”

“Stop being so bloody dramatic Blaise,” Pansy said as she slapped him on his arm. “You all come and visit me in Paris every month!” 

“Yes, but home is home,” Theo argued from his spot on the couch next to Daphne. 

“Such a compelling point you make there, Theo,” Pansy said sarcastically as Daphne rolled her eyes at her husband. “Should I keep my ears open for any more of your smart comments tonight?” 

The room filled with laughter as Theo reddened. 

“I’m just saying, England will always be her home,” Theo argued again as it died down. 

“England is home,” Pansy acknowledged. “But I really needed a change in scenery.”

Luna smiled at her sadly as she grabbed her hand and squeezed it. 

“Dinner’s ready!” Hermione announced hurriedly as she sensed the direction in which the conversation was going. She led the group into the formal dining room. “In honor of   
Pansy’s weekend home, I’ve prepared her favorites: Blue Cheese Steak Crostini, Shephard’s Pie, and a Croque en Bouche to finish it all!” 

Pansy felt tears prickle her eyes as she felt a rush of gratitude towards her group of friends. They were there for the aftermath of what had happened. She felt such loyalty to them because of it. 

“Hermione, thank you,” Pansy told her as she took her seat. Hermione looked at her with sincerity. 

“We’ve missed you, Pans. We just wanted you to feel at home, even if it’s just for a weekend.” 

Dinner was a lively affair with Pansy getting caught up in all of her friends’ lives. Blaise and Luna were now moved in together. Daphne and Theo were considering children and   
according to Theo, they were having a lot of fun. And Hermione and Draco were tight-lipped about most questions directed towards them. 

“We do have news, but it will have to wait until tomorrow night when everyone is here,” was all Draco said. 

“What?” Blaise complained. “But we’re your best mates!” 

Hermione laughed. “Yes, but I need my other friends present. Not to mention our parents.”

“But we’re more important!” Theo said earning laughs from everyone. 

“We all know that it’s one of two things that they are going to announce or perhaps both,” Pansy said. Everyone looked at her expectantly. Hermione and Draco looked at her with   
bright eyes. 

“You’re either engaged or pregnant,” Pansy said nonchalantly. 

Hermione smiled slyly as Pansy looked at her. Neither she nor Draco said anything. Draco smirked as he turned back to his plate. 

“Fine, don’t tell us,” Daphne said. “We will have to wager a bet about which one it could be.” 

“50 galleons on it being that they are both pregnant and getting married,” Blaise laughed. 

“No, no,” Luna said dreamily. “I don’t think it’s either of those. I am going to put 50 on that it’s a business deal or something. You know the two of them get off on work.”

The table exploded with laughter. 

“She’s not wrong,” Draco said still laughing. “We also love to get off at work.” 

Hermione gasped and slapped Draco on his arm. 

“Shut up Malfoy!” 

It wasn’t until Hermione brought out the Croque en Bouche that the conversation turned to the topic Pansy was dreading.

“So,” Daphne said slowly before directing her next question to Hermione. “Any news on Potter?” 

Hermione nodded her head as she accepted some of the broken dessert from Draco. She smiled sweetly at him in return. 

“Ugh, do we have to talk about him?” Theo asked darkly as he shoved the delicate dessert into his mouth. “I’m sure Pansy would prefer if we didn’t. And I mean, I understand that   
he must hate having his personal life plastered on the covers of newspapers, but come on, you had to expect that you were going to be in the spotlight for the rest of your life, ya know? Hermione, you handle the press well. Hell, even Weasel seems to handle it well too.” 

“Yes, not always. Now he does thanks to Tori,” Daphne replied as she slapped Theo’s hand away as he reached for another bite of dessert. “They’ve only been dating 5 months but they are as smitten as one could be. Ron does everything to make Astoria happy and vice versa.”

Pansy stared wide-eyed at Daphne as she heard the news of Ron Weasley and Daphne’s younger sister, Astoria Greengrass. 

“They’re dating?” She asks incredulously. “The Weasel is dating Tori?”

Her question was met with a round of nods that went around the table. 

“Disgusting when they got together, really,” Draco said, pouring himself more wine. “Kissing in the corner of the Manor ballroom like a couple of teenagers as Mother tried to give her speech about her new charity.” 

This time it was a round of groans that went around the table as they all recalled the memory. Pansy continued looking around shocked. 

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen two people look so sloppy while kissing before,” Blaise cringed. 

“What news did you have about Harry, Hermione?” Luna asked, getting back on the subject. 

“Oh, right,” Hermione smiled as she hurriedly finished chewing. “He returned last night.” 

Pansy kept quiet as the others threw out questions. They seemed to be angry on her behalf.

“Did he say where he went?” Blaise asked.

“And you’re sure he’s alive?” came the voice of Theo. His question was met with skeptical stares. “What? I’m just saying that if he is then I would make sure he isn’t next time I see him.” 

Pansy smiled at that while Hermione sent Theo a look of warning. 

“I agree with Theo,” Draco said as Blaise nodded as well. 

“He deserves the pits of hell for what he put Pans through,” Theo said. He snuck another piece of dessert in his mouth as everyone turned back to Hermione. 

“No, he didn’t say where he went,” Hermione answered while sending a small glance to Pansy. She sent her a smile as she continued. “He looked a mess though.”

“Where is he staying?” Luna asked dreamily. “Surely not Grimmauld Place?”

Hermione hesitated. 

“No…” Daphne whispered. “He better not be staying where I’m thinking.” 

Hermione shook her head as Pansy felt panic rise in her again. 

“He’s not there,” she said reassuringly but she looked at Pansy again and the sadness in her eyes confirmed everything Pansy needed to know. 

“The Burrow,” she finally answered. 

Pansy felt her food threatening to reappear. She dropped her hands to her lap and tried to control the anger and sadness that she felt. Sitting up straighter, Pansy cleared her throat.

“I do think it’s time for me to head home,” she announced as she stood up. She felt all their eyes on her. She smiled at Hermione and Draco. “Thank you for a lovely dinner,” she turned to the rest of her best friends. “Thank you for a great night. I’ll see you guys tomorrow for the party.” 

“Pansy,” Hermione called as Pansy turned to go down the hallway back to the travel room. 

“Brunch tomorrow?” she asked. Pansy nodded and sent her a true smile. 

“Of course. I’ll see you then.”

Pansy hurriedly made her way to the travel room and activated the Floo. She called out her location. She stepped through the Floo to her childhood home. Pokey was there waiting for her. She greeted Pansy, took the luggage and disappeared. 

Once Pansy realized that she was alone, she allowed herself to let out a shaky breath as she made her way into her late father’s study. She walked over to his whiskey collection. Opening the closest bottle to her, she poured herself a drink.

As she nursed the drink, she finally allowed herself to think of the person who made her heart ache. She thought back to their relationship. 

They had tried to keep everything quiet. They only told their closest friends that they were seeing each other. He wanted to keep it private. After the whirlwind the press had with his relationship with She-Weasel, he didn’t want the public involved. At least that’s what he told her and Pansy was stupidly in love and went along with it. Looking back on it now, she realized that he was ashamed of her, ashamed to be dating her. 

In hindsight, Pansy probably should have seen it coming.   
\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
Pansy slowly opened her eyes to see Harry looking pensively down at her. She smiled. 

“Will you ever stop being a creep, Potter?” she said sleep still heavy on her voice. 

“Never,” he smiled as he stroked her hair back. “I will always enjoy waking up to you next to me. And I will always enjoy watching you sleep.” 

She hummed contently as she snuggled closer to him, draping her leg over his. 

“Let’s run away Pans. Let’s run away and live just the two of us.” 

Pansy laughed. “I love you Harry, but I will not run away with you.”

He smiled. “Fine, let’s move in together.”

“Really?” she said shocked as she sat up on the bed, the blanket tumbling down her body. “Are you joking right now Potter?” 

“No,” he said sitting up with her. “I want to move in with you.” 

Pansy felt the tears prickle her eyes as she pulled his face to hers. “Let’s move in together then.” 

He kissed her nose and then, smiling, he let his lips brush against hers. She deepened the kiss and pushed him back on the mattress.   
\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
He spoke often about running away, but Pansy had always brushed it off. But now, she can see that he was warning her. He was always warning her. 

Swirling the amber liquid in her cup, Pansy looked into the fireplace. She had been so excited to move in with him. She felt like her life was finally coming together. She had a great job as an Auror trainer, she had gotten promoted right before Doggins retired, she was finally independent, and she was in love with someone who treated her right. 

They had found a beautiful house in Godric’s Hallow. Pansy had surprised him when she told him that that was the town she wanted to live in. He had grabbed her and kissed her like his life depended on it once the words came out of her mouth. Then it all went wrong. 

The day before they were supposed to move in, the Daily Prophet broke the story about their relationship. Harry struggled with the press since the war ended. It was something Pansy and he first bonded over. She had told him to pretend like the press wasn’t there and eventually they will go away. She was wrong of course. The press was constantly hounding him when he and She-Weasel were together. Eventually that led to their downfall. When Harry and Pansy got together, he became paranoid with how the press would react to their relationship. Pansy would argue with him and say if Hermione and Draco could deal with it then so would they. Harry always ignored her and kept getting himself worked up. 

Pansy would often tell her best friends that Harry Potter is a person who is fast to anger, quick to regret, and last to apologize. She was usually always the last person to apologize to anyone. But she hadn’t found someone as stubborn as Harry sans Hermione. And all of those traits of Harry Potter came out to shine at the downfall of their relationship. 

They had just had lunch at a cute muggle restaurant. It was a quaint and charming place. But when they stepped foot back into the wizarding world, they were suddenly bombarded with questions, reporters, and cameras in their face. Apparently their date had been leaked to the press. Harry and Pansy shoved and pushed their way through the   
crowd until they were able to apparate to the Ministry. They didn’t speak until Pansy followed Harry into his office.   
\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
“Well that went well,” Pansy deadpanned as she closed the door behind her. 

“I need some time Pansy,” Harry said sharply. 

Pansy ignored him and walked up to wrap her arms around him. He stiffened. 

“They were going to find out sooner or later. I’m not happy that it was leaked and I will find out who leaked it to the press and they will suffer for making my life miserable in those few moments, but I’m happy it’s out in the open. It’ll be nice to go out and not hide from the world,” she said. 

“Of course you’re happy about it,” he muttered as he pulled out of her embrace and went to sit at his desk. 

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” Pansy demanded.

“Oh come off it Pansy. You love the attention. You always have! I always thought that was the reason you liked me in the first place. You only cared about the fame and the cameras. You’ve been waiting for this day, haven’t you?” he yelled. His eyes widened as soon as the words were out of his mouth. Pansy stood staring at him in disbelief. 

“Is that really what you think Harry?” she said softly, hurt. She then steeled her voice up before going on the attack. “And who exactly planted those thoughts in your head?” 

“It doesn’t matter, Pansy,” he moved to get up, but Pansy was already walking out of the office. 

“It does matter. It has always mattered. I just want to know if there will ever come a day where I matter to you more than Ginny Weasley,”she turned around to get one last look at him. He stared wide-eyed. She had caught him. Of course it was Ginny Weasley feeding him those thoughts about her. 

“Remember that Hermione and Draco are coming over to help us move tomorrow,” she said softly as she put her hand on the door knob. 

“Pansy-“ he started. 

“I know you didn’t mean it Harry. You’re frustrated and stressed. I’ll see you tomorrow. I love you.” 

And with that she walked out of his office.   
\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
It was ironic that those three words ended up being the last that she said to him. Pansy emptied the contents of the glass into her mouth and made her way over to the fireplace. 

Grabbing a handful of Floo powder, she threw it in. Stepping in, she called out her location. 

Pansy graciously stepped out into a large room. It was meant to be the Floo Room. Looking around, she realized that the house was as silent as it was empty. She saw a layer of dust lining the top of the fireplace. It was no surprise really. No one had stepped foot in here in over a year. She pulled her coat around her as the coldness threatened to seep into her bones. Bracing herself for what she knew she was going to see, she stepped into main foyer. There still hanging midair in front of the doorway were two words written by wand in his hand. 

"I’m sorry"

Pansy let the tears fall. How could she not have seen it coming? She should have known that he never wanted to move in. She should have known that he wasn’t going to be able to handle the press finding out about them. She should have known not to expect him to actually be there on the day that they were supposed to move in together. She should have known that he would go back to Ginny Weasley. 

Pansy let herself fall to the ground. The tears were coming out more vocally now. She was actually sobbing. This is why she didn’t want to step foot in England again. She didn’t want to think about this. She didn’t want to think about how stupid she felt when she realized that he wasn’t coming. She had sat in the middle of the empty living room with Hermione at her side and waited. She waited two hours thinking that he might have just been late and that was what the apology written in the foyer was for. Then Hermione insisted that they call and see if anyone had seen him. The first and only Floo call was to the Burrow, again at Hermione’s insistence.   
\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
“Ron! Ron!” Hermione called into the fireplace. Weasley was sitting on the couch eating a mince pie. 

“Bloody hell, Hermione,” Ron jumped up in shock. “You should warn a guy.”

“Ron,” Hermione said ignoring him. “Have you seen Harry?” 

Ron looked at Hermione dumbly. “Yeah,” he said uncertainly. 

That caught Pansy’s attention. She pulled Hermione away from the fireplace and looked in herself. 

“Where is he Weasley? And please let him know that he will be spending the first month in our new house sleeping on the couch.”

Weasley looked at her in shock. “I didn’t realize… Uhh… I saw him with Ginny. They apparated together about an hour ago…” he trailed off. 

Pansy face became white as a sheet. “Please tell me you’re joking Weasley.”

“I’m sorry Parkinson. I didn’t know that the two of you were moving in together. Harry never told me.” 

Pansy nodded before she felt Hermione pull her away from the fireplace and continue the conversation with Weasley.   
\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
Hermione had stayed with her that night. Draco brought them food and stayed too. Luna, Daphne, Theo, and Blaise all came to get them the next morning. Pansy was nonresponsive. She refused to believe that Harry would do something like this to her. He was supposed to be different. He was supposed to be good. But then she came to the realization that she was the problem. She was never the good person. She was the always going to be seen as the bad guy. She should have known that it was always going to be Ginny Weasley in the end. She put in her resignation the next day and left for Paris. 

She had heard from Hermione that Ginny Weasley returned two weeks later without Harry. Ginny was apparently mum about where she went and whether Harry was with her or not. Pansy had stopped listening after that. 

Pansy wiped the tears off of her face. She thought everything wouldn’t hurt as much as it still did. It has been a year and it still stung. It still felt like a gaping pain in her chest. Pansy looked up at the burning words of apology that hung above her. She doesn’t know why she never got rid of them. Maybe she wasn’t ready to believe that it happened. But now…now she was ready to move on and forget about Harry Potter. 

Pansy stood up and pulled her wand out. 

Just then, the fireplace went off in the room next to her. Pansy froze. There were heavy steps walking towards the foyer. A figure appeared, carrying a large bag. They stopped when they realized that someone else was in the house with them. They looked up quickly and Pansy’s eyes were captivated with bright green. 

“Pansy?” came the astonished voice of Harry Potter.


	4. Helena Parkinson

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pansy channels her mother, Helena, to help her through her confrontation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter

Helena Parkinson had always thought the world of her daughter. She had continuously ignored her husband’s pleas to have another child, a son this time, so that he could produce an heir for the Parkinson family line. She always laughed it off. Originally from Romania, Helena grew up in a family of strong women. It’s where she got her strength from. Helena had only ever wanted one child, one to fulfill the duties of her pureblood line, but her husband kept asking and she still refused. She believed that there was no difference in whether she had a son or a daughter; they were an heir either way.

She had once loved her husband, Pierre, very much, but the years of turbulence in their marriage took its toll, especially after Pansy was born.

Pierre paid no mind to his daughter as he longed for a son, but Helena fought for Pansy’s rights, saying that she had every right to be an heir regardless of the fact that she was a female. Pierre eventually agreed after 10 years of fighting his wife on the matter. The summer before Pansy’s 11th birthday, her father rewrote his will and testament to have everything given to Pansy once she came of age. Helena was happy to have won this battle with Pierre. She doted on Pansy and taught her how to be a headstrong female in a world of people like her father.

Helena taught Pansy that despite being raised into a society where females are looked down upon, she needed to be strong. Pansy adored her mother and tried her best to make her proud.

However, when Pansy returned home for Christmas during her Sixth Year, she found her mother gone. She had strolled into the mansion with only Pokey there to greet her. Normally it was Helena. That was the first sign that something was wrong. Pansy thought nothing of it though as she greeted Pokey and went up to her room. However, when she entered her room she saw a letter lying upon a small chest on her desk. Pansy had slowly opened the letter as her insides turned to ice. The letter was from her mother. It explained to Pansy that something had occurred between Helena and Pierre causing Helena to flee in the middle of the night. The letter was scarce on the details of what happened. However, one thing was made very clear to Pansy.

She was not allowed to ever question her mother’s decision nor come looking for her.

The letter stated that Helena was sorry for leaving so abruptly but she could not live her life as she had been anymore. She said she had business to take care of and whenever that business was done, she would return to Pansy once more.

Pansy was inconsolable after she read the letter. She refused to talk to her father, something that she made clear to him in colorful language when he found her 3 hours later curled up on her floor still crying. She also refused to open the chest which the letter was laid on. It wasn’t until 2 days later when Blaise, Draco, and Theo came to visit her for Christmas that she opened the chest.

The chest contained two things: a bracelet, which looked to be brand new and made specifically for Pansy as it had little diamond pansies surrounding it, and her mother’s favorite necklace.

Pansy became withdrawn with her mother gone from her life. Thinking that her mother abandoned her, she succumbed to her father’s way of thinking, doing everything he said, even throughout the war.

Pierre made sure that his daughter knew a female’s place in a pureblood household. He ridiculed her whenever she showed her intelligence which caused her to hide it.

Pansy became a different person. She was a shell of her former self. Her friends of course noticed and just tracked the change down to the disappearance of her mother. And of course with Slytherin being as loyal as it is no one outside of her friends and their families knew of the disappearance. Pierre was embarrassed that his wife left him and made sure it was not public knowledge.

The war was hard on Pierre and Pansy. Although Pierre was not a marked Death Eater, he still supported the cause by donating. While Pierre was getting harangued constantly for more money and supplies, Pansy kept thinking of her mother. There was a nagging voice in the back of her mind telling her that the person she was masquerading as wasn’t who she was. But Pansy was scared. She just wanted to get through the war alive.

During the final battle, Pansy was confronted by Blaise and Daphne. They told her that they knew this wasn’t the real her and while Draco and Theo may not have a choice in this war, they all still do. Daphne finally got through to her when she told her that there was no way her mother would want her to be this way. Pansy broke down to them then, telling them that they were right. Together, the three of them stayed together and fought for the Light.

The summer after the war was a healing time for Pansy and her friends. Her father was murdered in the battle. She didn’t even know that he was there to fight until she saw his body lain with the dead in the Great Hall. She organized a small funeral for him a week after the battle. It was just her remaining extended family and friends. After the funeral, the group decided that they wanted out of the wizarding world for a bit.

They knew that they all had to go back to Hogwarts for the redo of their final year. But before they went, they decided to spend a month with no magic in the muggle world. They went with Draco since it was a part of his sentence given by the ministry. That month in the muggle world helped reshape Pansy’s way of thinking once again. They all became more tolerant and understanding of their non-magical counterparts.

During this time, Pansy thought of her mother more and more every day. She wanted to find her, but when she finally shared the letter left to her with her friends, they all agreed that her mother did not want to be found. Pansy begrudgingly accepted their words. She had decided that while her mother would not be with her physically, she would embody everything her mother wanted her to be.

She became the smart and confident Pansy once more.

As Pansy stood in the main foyer of a house that was technically her own, but never became her home, facing the man of her dreams and nightmares, she thought Helena Parkinson would be proud. She held her head high as she looked into Harry Potter’s eyes.

His hair was wild and in desperate need of a haircut. He looked more or less the same than the last time she saw him but was sporting a thin scar on his neck that looked like someone had held a knife there.

He stood captivated at the sight of Pansy. The large bag that he was carrying dropped to the ground as he started moving towards her.

“Pans, you look incred-“came his voice, soft and endearing, his face breaking into a big smile.

“Stop,” Pansy’s voice came out venomous and icy.

Harry halted in his steps, eyes wide, smile fading.

Pansy gave him a look of disgust.

Why was he even here? In her mind, he lost the right to step foot in this house the moment he left. Pansy knew that she didn’t have enough energy to engage in a confrontation with him right now. It had been an extremely long and tiring day. She gripped her wand tight and closed her eyes to apparate when she felt a shock go through her body as Harry’s hand closed around her wrist.

“What the f-?” Pansy yelled as her eyes flew opened but her words were cut short in surprise at how close he moved in such a short time. He was standing arms-length away. His face wore a mixture of expressions that Pansy was, again, too tired to decipher. She pushed his arm off and shoved him back, ignoring the feeling of joy bubbling in her stomach.

“Whatever the hell you’re doing Potter, I suggest you stop,” Pansy said harshly. Harry sighed and let his arms hang to his side.

“I know I hurt you Pans,” he started. “Trust me when I say that it was never meant to happen that way. I am so sorry.”

Pansy paused as she looked at the pained look on his face, but a flash of red from the flickering fire caught her eye and she scoffed. “You lost all rights to call me by my name the day you decided to run off with Ginny Weasley.”

Harry looked up then and stared at her in shock. “What?” he asked astonished.

“Oh you think I didn’t know?” Pansy laughed a hollow, venomous laugh as she swallowed any emotions that were threatening to come up. “You are so daft Potter. Of course I was going to find out. Ron was kind enough to tell Hermione and me when it happened. Now, move. I have better things to do than waste my breath on you.”

“Pansy wait,” Harry said putting his hand out to stop her.

Pansy moved quickly. She grabbed her wand and pressed it to his throat. “ _I said not to say my name Potter.”_

Harry didn’t flinch or move. He just stared and Pansy found it unnerving. Exhausted, she removed her wand and turned towards the Floo.

“I need to talk to you,” Harry said, his voice breaking. “You have no idea how sorry I am. I spend the last year just thinking of how I was going to explain everything to you and how much I need to see you again.”

“I don’t care what your needs are,” Pansy had halted in her steps, shocked by the emotion in his voice, her back still towards him.

“Please Pans, it is really important. Meet me back here tomorrow at 3, if you could,” he said softly. “I have to explain everything. You deserve to know why I left.”

“Go to hell Harry,” Pansy said icily as she grabbed the Floo Powder.

“Pansy, just remember, everything I do, I do for you.”

She paused as the words brought back a flood of memories.

_“Where are we going Potter?” Pansy demanded as Harry led the way through the muggle airport, holding her hand tightly._

_“It’s a surprise, love.”_

_“Potter, you can’t just decide on the spur of the moment for us to drop everything and go on a trip!” Harry could tell that Pansy was only faking being mad due to the brightness of happiness dancing in her eyes._

_“Just trust me, Pans,” he said as they approached an attendant and Harry spoke quietly. When he turned back around, two tickets in hand, Pansy stopped him and put her hands on the side of his face._

_“I will always trust you, Harry James Potter. You have my heart and soul.”_

_Harry smiled widely then leaned forward to press a kiss on her forehead._

_“Everything I do Pans, I do for you,” he said as he slid her a ticket. She looked down and saw their destination: Romania._

Pansy swallowed the emotions that were building up within her. Saying nothing to Harry, she threw the Floo Powder and said her destination.

She looked up just in time to see a look of hurt flash across his face.

Pansy stumbled out of the Floo and into her family home. Pokey was right there to greet her.

“Misses are you okay?” she rushed forward to help Pansy balance herself.

“I’m fine Pokey,” she managed to get out as she steadied her feet. “I just need my bed.”

“Okay Missus, Pokey will go ready your bath.”

“No,” Pansy said forcefully. She needed time alone. “You’ve been great help today Pokey. Take the rest of the night off.”

“You sure Missus?”

Pansy nodded.

She waited until she heard the distinctive pop of Pokey leaving before she summoned a bottle of strong firewhiskey. She swallowed about half of it, holding herself together. She made her way to her childhood bedroom and crumbled to the floor. Her body wracking itself as the sobs tore through her.

She was so tired. She was tired of fighting and wondering what could have been.

She was not about to think about Potter and his words. She didn’t want to think about how she now had a decision to make about whether or not to meet him. Should she satisfy her curiosity and actually meet him at their supposed to be house or just leave him like he left her? She had no idea what to do, but she knew who she had to talk to about it. Luckily for Pansy, she had a brunch date with that person in the morning.

She pulled herself up shakily from her floor and made her way over to the bed. Through blurry eyes, she saw that her magic got out of control again as her belongings were flung across the room. She sighed and not bothering to take off her clothes, she put her bottle of firewhiskey on her bedside table and crawled under the duvet. She was asleep within moments of her head hitting the pillow.

 -------------------------------------------------------------

Pansy woke up to someone applying something cold to her forehead. She groaned as she tried to open her eyes and felt the headache hit.  

“Shhhh…” she heard a melodic voice say. Pansy opened her eyes to see a halo of blonde sitting above her.

“Luna?”

“Here, drink this,” Luna said dreamily as she handed her a vial. Pansy sat up and moved stiffly so her back was hitting her bedframe. As she did so, a wet cloth fell from her forehead to her lap. She looked at the vial Luna was holding out at her, took it, and downed it in one go.

Hangover Potion.

Instantly her head and vision cleared. She looked up to see Luna smiling serenely at her. She was wearing a floral sundress and wore her flowers in her hair that matched the dress. Pansy smiled back. She felt like she was wrung out 100 times and pinned up to dry. Her muscles ached and her eyes were puffy, she knew.

“What are you doing here?” Pansy asked. She looked around her room and saw that Luna or Pokey must have tidied up everything from the night before. She looked to her bedside table and saw that the firewhiskey was gone and replaced with a glass of water.

“You were an hour late to brunch so we brought brunch here,” Luna said as she stood up and held her hand out to Pansy. “Let’s get you ready so that you can fill us in on what exactly happened last night.”

Pansy took Luna’s hand and followed her into the bathroom. As Pansy brushed her teeth, Luna stood in the closet and picked out an outfit for Pansy to wear.

“Luna?” Pansy said as she entered the closet as well.

“Yes, Pans?”

“I’m sorry I was late to brunch,” Pansy knew who was waiting for her downstairs and so she knew that she was going to have to tell them all about last night with Potter.

“Pansy, we knew something must have happened so we were quick to make the changes to have the brunch here instead,” Luna explained as she turned around and handed Pansy an emerald dress.

Pansy smiled as she took it. Luna waited quietly as Pansy got dressed. Once Pansy was finished, Luna led her downstairs. Pansy followed her out to the back gardens. As she entered the gardens she saw Hermione and Daphne sitting sipping on tea before her eyes caught the head of the other guest.

“Narcissa!” Pansy exclaimed as she ran over to Narcissa Malfoy. Narcissa stood up quickly and embraced Pansy in a hug.

“Pansy, sweetheart, are you okay?” Narcissa asked as she pulled back and stared into the broken eyes of the girl she loved like a daughter.

“I’m better now that you are all here,” Pansy said as she moved to greet Hermione and Daphne with hugs. She sat between Hermione and Narcissa as Luna took her place next to Daphne.

“We thought it would have been better to move the brunch here once you didn’t show up,” Daphne laughed. Pansy smiled as she took the tea that Hermione offered to her, made just to her liking.

Pansy was about to tell them about the night before when Hermione cut her off:

“Eat first, story after.”

Pansy sent her a playful glare but gathered her go-to scone and strawberry jam. As they ate, Hermione and Narcissa discussed with the group the plans for the party later that night. The party sounded like it was going to be very informal and intimate with only close friends and family invited.

“And you’re sure that we can’t have a hint as to why this party is being thrown?” Daphne pushed.

“Nope,” Hermione said as she licked the excess jam on her finger.

“I’ll figure it out, Granger,” Daphne laughed.

“Or you could just keep your knickers on and be patient,” Hermione shot back.

Everyone laughed at that before Narcissa turned to Pansy.

“What happened last night?” Narcissa cut to the chase quickly. Pansy swallowed the tea that she was in the middle of drinking before looking at all her friends and mother-figure. They were all looking back at her expectantly. She took a deep breath before recounting the tale of the night before.

“So, what do I do? Do I go meet him or should I let him be?” Pansy asked at the conclusion of the story.

Hermione, Luna, and Daphne exchanged looks with each other before Hermione spoke.

“I know how much he hurt you Pansy and it’s something I will always make sure he regrets, but don’t you think you deserve to know why he left?”

Pansy nodded. “I do deserve to know. I deserve to know why he thinks it’s okay to use me as a pawn in his game of lies. Merlin, last night when I saw him, I just wanted to hurl the cruelest hex that I knew towards him. I just want to know if everything was a lie. I want to know if I ever meant anything to him. He was everything to me. He and my job were everything to me.”

“Trust me, I know the feeling,” Hermione said gently as she laid her hand on Pansy’s. “You know, Harry and you have so much in common. It’s why I always thought that you guys would make a great couple,”

Luna nodded in agreement.

“But I swear sometimes Harry’s goal in life is to save as many people as he possibly can,” Hermione continued.

Pansy looked at her questionably.

“Well that’s why he took the Auror job,” Hermione explained. “He feels this burden that was intensified by the war. He thinks that all the bad in the wizarding world is due to him. Mind you, I think a lot of his mindset comes from his entire childhood being plagued by Voldemort and I believe that he has had a hard time coming out of that mindset.”

“What are you getting at, ‘Mione?” Luna asked.

Hermione paused before turned to face Pansy.

“I think…I think Harry sees it as his responsibility to respond to his job first and whatever else he has in his life second.”

Pansy understood what Hermione was getting at.

“Funny…” Daphne mused. All heads turned to her.

“What?” Pansy questioned.

“It’s just that he sounds just like you Pans. I mean, once you started at the Auror department,” Daphne explained.

Pansy was quiet. Daphne was right. When she started at the Auror department she became so immersed in her work and the victims of crime that she spent almost every waking moment at work. That’s how Harry and her first connected. It was how they first fell in love. They connected because of their passion for their work which then turned into passion for each other.

“Well that is how we first fell in love,” Pansy said with a small smile.

“Pansy, dear,” Narcissa interrupted, before bluntly saying. “Do you still love him?”

The question took Pansy by such surprise that she almost dropped her tea. She knew she wasn’t over Harry. She knew that she had his scent burned into her brain and his taste still on her tongue. But love? She hasn’t thought about that feeling since now moving to Paris.

“To be honest,” Pansy started in a soft voice. “I haven’t allowed myself to think about that…because I’m terrified of what the answer might be.”

Narcissa nodded, deciding not to push Pansy further.

“I think that answered my question though,” Pansy said straightening up. “I deserve to know why he left. I deserve answers.”

Hermione’s wide smile reassured Pansy that she made the right decision. Luna and Daphne echoed the smiles while Narcissa nodded her approval.

“What time is it?” Luna asked her company.

“One,” Daphne answered.

“Well ladies, we have two hours until Pansy has to meet him. Let’s make sure he knows that he made a huge mistake leaving.”

A round of “yeses” and one “ _abso-fucking-lutely_ ” from Daphne went around the table. Pansy was going to be ready. She was ready to go into this wand fight and get to the root why she was abandoned by the person she thought to be the love of her life.


	5. The Truth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pansy and Harry talk it out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own HP.

Pansy stood on the street, facing the home that was meant to be for her and Harry. It was a cottage-style home, not unlike the others that were located on Godric’s Hallow. It had a large garden in the front and around the sides that led to an even bigger backyard. There were trees helping to shade the actual house from passersby; that is if they can even see it. The house was of course protected by the Fidelius Charm. Pansy and Harry had chosen Draco and Hermione as their secret keepers as they were their most trust worthy friends, so trustworthy that Hermione had owled Draco to accompany her and Pansy to the house.

Pansy looked to her right and saw them both looking back at her, one with a reassuring smile gracing her face and the other with a scowl. Draco was not happy about this meeting taking place; Hermione had caught him up in the owl that she had sent apparently. How Hermione wrote so much so quickly is something that Pansy would never understand.

“Okay, I’m ready,” Pansy said in a shaky voice, looking back at two people who she trusted with her life.

“You don’t have to do this, Pans,” Draco said, putting a hand on her arm. Pansy placed her own hand over his.

“I know Drake, but I need to. I need to understand,” he dropped his arm in defeat and looked at his girlfriend for support. Hermione ignored him however as she pulled Pansy into a fierce hug.

“You will be okay, I promise,” she said soothingly. “I would never have been supportive of this meeting if I thought that he didn’t have good intentions.”

Pansy nodded as she pulled back from the hug.

“Do you know something about him leaving, Mione?” Pansy asked curiously. She had always wondered why Hermione was never more upset about the situation given that Harry was her best friend.

Hermione shook her head. “I don’t. I just know that Harry would never do something like this unless he had a really good reason. I’ve always said that. He’s been my best friend for more than half of my life. I know him better than anyone else and he knows me. We’re more like siblings than best friends really. I just know he has a good reason, Pans.”

Pansy looked at Draco. He shrugged. “I tend to tune her out when she starts talking about Potty or Weasel.”

Pansy snickered while Hermione slapped Draco on his arm. He just smirked back at her before pulling her close and placing a kiss on her forehead. Pansy turned away from them and looked to the house once more. She could tell that there was movement in there as some of the windows were opened. She took a deep breath.

“Okay, can I floo over to you after?” she asked.

“Of course,” they answered in unison.

She sent them one last smile before opening the front gate and began walking to the door. Pansy hesitated at the front door. Should she knock or just walk in? Deciding on the latter, Pansy pushed the door open and stepped into the hallway. Instantly, she was taken aback by the house. Gone was the hanging apology that plagued the hallway for a year. It had been replaced with photos that were lining the walls.

Pansy walked closer to the wall and saw pictures from various stages of her life and her relationship with Harry. There was a waving picture of Harry, Ron, and Hermione at Hogwarts in what looked like their Second Year next to a picture of Pansy with Draco, Daphne, Blaise, Theo from their month in Muggle London. Walking further down the hall, she saw pictures of Harry and her from their trip to Romania and even group pictures from their trip to Bora Bora. Feeling the tears starting to form in her eyes, Pansy turned to opposite wall and gasped at what she saw. Half of the wall was empty, but the other half had various pictures of Pansy and her mother. Pansy felt around her wrist where the bracelet her mother left for her laid. She felt the tears spill over her eyes as she watched a picture of her mother kissing her chubby cheeks from when she was a toddler.

“Pans, you’re here!” a voice exclaimed from behind her. Not bothering to hide her tears, Pansy turned around to face Harry. He seemed shocked by her tears and looked to move forward before stopping himself causing himself to stand awkward in the doorway to the kitchen. He had shaved and gotten a haircut since yesterday, Pansy noticed. He wore some jeans and a shirt that Pansy realized was from her own collection, and held a small towel in his hand. She looked into his eyes and saw him looking at her with immense concern. Anger instantly flooded through her.

“Are you okay, love?” Harry asked softly.

“No,” Pansy said, ignoring the pet name, her voice rising “None of this is okay Potter. Why the hell do you have all these photos? Did you really think it would be that easy? Did you think that I would come here and see all these pictures and instantly forgive you? You cannot be that naïve. I swear to Merlin, you _cannot_ be that naïve.”

“I’m not!” Harry said quickly. “In my defense, I thought you were going to come through the Floo Room and not through the front door so you weren’t supposed to see any of this yet. You were supposed to see this.” He walked quickly to the Floo Room.

Annoyed, Pansy followed him. As she entered the Floo Room, she saw that there was a little table set up with small sandwiches and some tea. Next to one of the chairs was a bag that leaned against it on the floor. Harry walked to the opposite chair and pulled it out for Pansy. Eyeing him cautiously, she walked over and sat down. He pushed the chair in gently and made his way to the other seat.

“I thought you were going to Floo so I had this set up so we could talk everything through,” he said as he reached for the pot and poured it out for both of them. He prepared hers exactly how she liked it and handed it to her with a smile. She didn’t return it as she took the cup. He went to move to prepare his own when he took out a vial from his pocket.

“I know that I have effectively ruined all the trust that you had in me, so I wanted to do this right,” he said as he uncorked the vial and poured the entirety of its contents into his tea. Pansy stared as she realized what it was.

“Harry, that wasn’t necessary,” she said reaching her hand out to stop him but she was too slow. He already put the vial down and was stirring his tea.

“Yes, Pans, it is. I want you to know the truth and Veritaserum is the way to ensure that you know the whole truth.” She watched as he downed his tea in one go. “Go ahead, test me. This batch should last hours.”

She nodded as thought of her first question.

“Did you ever love me?” She decided to voice one of her main concerns first. She never told anyone about how she was worried and scared that Potter only used her as a ploy to make Ginny Weasley jealous. She never voiced this out loud to any of her friends, but this was Harry. Before everything went to hell, Pansy told him everything and vice versa, at least she used to think it was reciprocated; now she’s not so sure.

“Yes,” Harry said looking straight into her eyes. “I didn’t love you at first. I mean how could I? We had all the history to deal with and our instinct was to be snippy with each other. But Pans, as the days went on, I found myself wanting to stay at work longer just because I knew that you would be there. I dreaded going home and being with Ginny and I always looked forward to coming to work. You crawled your way into my heart and set up camp there. There was no room for anyone else once I got to know you, the real you. The worse times were when I had to go on missions. I thought of you so much that it began to make me sick. Do you remember the mission I had in Egypt?”

Pansy nodded her head. She didn’t trust her voice and her chest felt tight with emotion.

“That mission was terrible. My mind wasn’t in it at all. I just kept thinking about how wrong it was for me to miss you so much, but to not even think of Ginny until it was time to come home. I made really stupid decisions and almost got hexed a couple times because my mind was on you. That’s when I knew I had to break up with Ginny. The day I came back, do you remember that?”

This time Pansy shook her head. Harry smiled and in a courageous move, he reached over the table to hold her hand in his. She didn’t move to hold his back, but she didn’t pull it out. Harry took this as a positive sign.

“I came straight to the Ministry. It was late at night and you were the only one there. I stood awhile just fixated by you. You were leaning over your desk, writing, what I don’t know. But it took a moment for you to notice me. But when you did, you jumped up from your desk and just stared at me and you whispered my name like it was a prayer answered. Pansy, you looked the most unkempt that I have ever seen you, but _fuck_ Pans, you never looked more beautiful. That was the moment that I knew I was in love with you. From that moment I have been in love with you and I know that I will be in love with you until my last breath.”

Pansy stared at him, feeling her chest getting tighter. She remembered the Egypt trip now. Harry was only home for a week before he was sent to Siberia for two months.

Clearing her throat of all the emotion and putting on her best unaffected face, Pansy said, “While all of that is extremely sweet Potter, I still need to know why you left.”

Breathing in slowly, Harry nodded. “Where do you want me to start?”

“The beginning preferably,” Pansy said with a tight smile as she finally pulled her hand from his grasp and laid it on her lap once again. Harry hesitated and Pansy pushed on, deciding to be more specific to ensure that she got the answers that she wanted, “When did you decide to leave, Potter?”

“It was decided that I was going to leave the day before we moved in together. It was never my intention to head up the mission though. I tried to give it to Ron or Zabini but Kingsley insisted that it be me,” Harry said quickly.

“Mission? What mission?” Pansy was confused. If this was an Auror mission then she should have been notified about it given her position within the department at the time.

“The mission to save some hostages of some rogue Death Eaters,” Harry looked Pansy straight in the eyes before continuing, “When I was in Siberia, we captured Antonin Dolohov. I know you remember because you said that you refuse to be in the interrogation room with him.”

Pansy nodded ignoring the bile that crept up her throat. Dolohov was often at her house during the war, working with her father. Every time he saw Pansy he made sure to send her a leering glance or make a suggestive comment.

“Well he told me that there was an underground network that the Death Eaters created in Siberia. It was kind of like a hub for all things illegal. They sold illegal potions, taught illegal jinxes, and traded artifacts laced with dark magic. And all of this was terrible. But it got even worse when we found out about the sex ring that they had operating.”

Pansy leaned forward, her skin tingling with anger. “Sex ring? Are you kidding me?”

Harry shook his head. “I’m not. I wish I were. It was terrible. It involved so many people. And I know what you’re thinking. Why you were never notified?”

“Yes, I was thinking that actually. Well that and why Ginny Weasley was the last person to see you before you left,” Pansy said icily as she folded her arms over her chest.

Harry sighed and ran his hands through his hair, making it messier than before.

“The Ginny thing was handled terribly by me. We needed her to train the group of Aurors that were going on the mission with me. She didn’t know I was going on a mission. I just told her that we needed her Bat-Bogey hex taught. She wasn’t the only one. We had Hermione teach them loads of things as well. We had Draco teach them potions. You even taught them healing charms. We just passed them off as a group of new recruits. And as I said, I wasn’t supposed to be the one going in the first place. The plan was to have the leader of the mission go two weeks to establish some ground and a good place to set up base, and then two weeks after, the group will join. Ginny was the last person to help train and I think she trained them for two weeks. I’m sorry. It was a pretty stupid decision of mine because I know how that must have looked but Pansy, I promise you that there is no one for me but you. You’re my one and only.”

Pansy nodded, refusing to give into his sweet words and ignoring the relief that she felt run through her system said: “It was stupid of you, Potter. But why wasn’t I notified about the mission in the first place?”

“Well that was also because of me. I tried to keep this case as high level as possible. Kingsley, Doggins, and I were the only three who worked on the case. I wanted to take a back seat on the actual mission. I wanted Ron or Blaise to do the mission, but as I said before, Kingsley said it had to be me because I knew the case so well. I didn’t know how to tell you that I was leaving. I couldn’t say the words because I know how excited we were to move in together. I yelled at Kingsley pretty intensely the night before we were supposed to move in. But that’s when Kingsley told me some details that he had gotten that very same day about the case from one of our sources, and more specifically, about the sex ring.”

“What?”

Harry looked at Pansy with sad eyes. He had made a promise to himself that he would never hurt her and he was royally mucking up that promise. He wished he didn’t have to say anything more to her about the mission, but the potion was forcing words out of his mouth.

“The hostages in the sex ring…they were of all ages, nationalities, and genders. But one of them tried to lead a rebellion against their captors and failed. When it failed, they took her and she disappeared. Our sources had no idea that she was a hostage in the first place, but now they had no idea where she was. She had vanished.”

“Who was it?” Pansy whispered, tears in her eyes.

“Helena Parkinson…your mother.”

 

 


End file.
